I must be frank with you, dear Reader. I have drifted away from this blog the past few weeks because I honestly feel that I cannot process all that has been happening to me. Things are so radical indeed that I am afraid I might look foolish if I express myself in words. I have felt at the top and at the bottom of things.

Is it good? I think so. It is the best I can possibly do at this time of my life. And I have reason to believe that the best that I can do is above average.

Could it be better? Possibly, in fact, quite probably. When working with something as ephemereal as theater, it takes some time, and various points of view to see something accurately. Everyone sees different things when they come to art because it is nothing more than pure experience. Of course everyone sees my art differently, they all see differently!

What matters most, the collected opinions of everyone else, or your own opinion of your own work? At many moments, this becomes unclear. I feel myself blow in the wind. Both the wind and the root are important. You must bend, but not break. How much to bend… This is still unknown. It is my personal struggle now. A critic says one thing, a woman who has performed her whole life and founded as well as maintained a performance company says quite another.

We all have guides in life. I return to you, Vincent.

Dear brother, don’t think of me as anything other than an ordinary painter who is confronted by ordinary difficulties, and do not think the worries at all unusual. I mean, don’t think of the future as a darkness or as a dazzling light; it will be better to believe in the grey. I try to do the same, and think it wrong of myself to deviate from it. (17 August 1883)

You teach me color yet again, my love… Believe in the grey. Each color with its meaning.

Believe that this is your work, and you do it, because you must. And that is all. With the simplicity of a shoe-maker.

And so suddenly, I felt that basic pride again yesterday when I marked the 926th painting in its spot, after working in my pajamas for two hours. That gut feeling, that keeps you making things in the first place:

I did it!

I finished!

I did what I had set out to do.

And my god, is there anything more incredible than that?

(I mean, it’s not like I ever make things easy for myself.. haha)

There are only two weekends left of performances, so don’t forget to buy your tickets here, in case you haven’t yet!

Can it be possible to feel down, depressed, when one is finally realizing so many dreams, when one is doing Great Things, by one’s own definition? Oh, yes. (I am resisting bemoaning the position of an artist – misunderstood, lonely, no money, blah blah blah!)

I just try to play some good music, and remind myself that there’s no other path now anyway. From here, it leads straight to Vincent.

I suppose part of my feeling down has to do with my research this past week of the last 70 days or so of Vincent’s life. I was looking in his letters for an answer to a particular question, but it also required me to face The End. And as I found out at his grave in Auvers-sur-Oise, it’s not easy for me to think about his death for an extended period of time. I have no doubt his death was his release, but I can’t help wishing it had been different.

I never mentioned this before, but I took a little rock from the field where Vincent is supposed to have shot himself. I had to bring something home with me, right? It’s with me everyday, in my coin purse. I like that.

I like having a little something. I took that and the strand of wheat that’s on my business card.

In the news of things I’ve accomplished (let’s be happy!), I did indeed do my Twitter Performance this past Saturday as planned, and in case you missed it, I recommend clicking here. You have to read from the bottom up, cause that’s how Twitter rolls, and click for “more” twice to start from the beginning of the conversation. Here is the beginning, to spark your curiousity (read from the bottom up!). It started with his daily quote:

So that was pretty awesome. First time I’ve ever done anything like that, and I think it does give the outsider a good taste for what the final performance will be like. At least in Twitter terms. :)

Also — this week is CALLBACKS. Which means that the next time I post here, I may very well have my cast set. Isn’t that just CRAZY!? Despite my perhaps sullen mood, I must admit I am extremely excited to get to know these actors who are interested in the project, and see what they can do. It will also be the first time I will hear my words aloud. And that’s pretty sweet.

So onward and upward. In the meantime, here’s a pretty cool video a friend of the project sent me. I think it gives you a good idea of what Vincent really looked like…

love!

Van Gogh from Philip Scott Johnson on Vimeo.