Vincent's Yellow

Vincent’s Map

Given that I finally finished the map I’ve been working on for over two years (the current locations of all of Van Gogh’s paintings [as of 2006, the copyright date on my complete paintings book]), it seemed like a blog post was necessary.

I must be frank with you, dear Reader. I have drifted away from this blog the past few weeks because I honestly feel that I cannot process all that has been happening to me. Things are so radical indeed that I am afraid I might look foolish if I express myself in words. I have felt at the top and at the bottom of things.

Is it good? I think so. It is the best I can possibly do at this time of my life. And I have reason to believe that the best that I can do is above average.

Could it be better? Possibly, in fact, quite probably. When working with something as ephemereal as theater, it takes some time, and various points of view to see something accurately. Everyone sees different things when they come to art because it is nothing more than pure experience. Of course everyone sees my art differently, they all see differently!

What matters most, the collected opinions of everyone else, or your own opinion of your own work? At many moments, this becomes unclear. I feel myself blow in the wind. Both the wind and the root are important. You must bend, but not break. How much to bend… This is still unknown. It is my personal struggle now. A critic says one thing, a woman who has performed her whole life and founded as well as maintained a performance company says quite another.

We all have guides in life. I return to you, Vincent.

Dear brother, don’t think of me as anything other than an ordinary painter who is confronted by ordinary difficulties, and do not think the worries at all unusual. I mean, don’t think of the future as a darkness or as a dazzling light; it will be better to believe in the grey. I try to do the same, and think it wrong of myself to deviate from it. (17 August 1883)

You teach me color yet again, my love… Believe in the grey. Each color with its meaning.

Believe that this is your work, and you do it, because you must. And that is all. With the simplicity of a shoe-maker.

And so suddenly, I felt that basic pride again yesterday when I marked the 926th painting in its spot, after working in my pajamas for two hours. That gut feeling, that keeps you making things in the first place:

I did it!

I finished!

I did what I had set out to do.

And my god, is there anything more incredible than that?

(I mean, it’s not like I ever make things easy for myself.. haha)

There are only two weekends left of performances, so don’t forget to buy your tickets here, in case you haven’t yet!

Tags: art, artist, bend, creativity, critics, expectations, guide, Map, opinion, processing, public, reputation, reviews

The Dive

photography by Shannon O'Neil

I jumped — high and far, and twirling.

Vincent’s Yellow opened in Chicago, IL last Thursday, on the 120th anniversary of Vincent van Gogh’s death.

I performed — my cast and I performed — this thing that has been so intimately tucked between my blood vessels, that has been continuously beating quietly alongside my heart for three years, whether or not anyone heard it. This project, this man who saved me from beyond the grave, who changed my life so significantly I turned my own life upside down for him, for whom I made personal and financial sacrifices… but who has always guided me truly, and rightly. (That is, right back to doing what I was meant to do, and thus myself.)

photography by Shannon O'Neil

Performing in this work is as natural as breathing… or perhaps climbing a mountain is a better metaphor (or I suppose a high dive was the original metaphor I chose). It is not easy, it is exhausting and utterly challenging; it is two hours filled with wonder and vitality. It is a constant, driven force, focused by fierce passion and precision. I have used (I believe) every talent I have to make this show what it is, and I have demanded no less than real Truth, real Beauty, and total commitment.

photography by Shannon O'Neil

The piece is also highly demanding of my actors. Yet my wonderful, amazing ensemble meets the challenges I set them with incredible grace and perseverance. They impress me constantly, bringing 19th century words to vibrating life, becoming paint through dance, and making sweet music and even sweeter love for those that have come to visit.

Opening weekend was a waterfall. I will be chewing over the past week for a long time to come. A critic came opening night and told me she was dazzled. I’ll leave the rest of what she told me for her to put in her review, but needless to say, I was very, very pleased. I have gotten a few responses to my show that were overflowing with gratitude.

I, for one, feel most grateful to have this opportunity, to truly show what I have to give, and to sing and dance and breathe and speak to Vincent for the rest of this month. Last year at this time, I was packing my bags for my YellowEurope trip, for Amsterdam, and for all the rest that would await me (all I could never have imagined). I would spend a month tracking you, Vincent. Now I get to spend a month loving you. Completely and utterly.

This is all I can truly grasp right now. Until soon, readers…

Don’t forget to buy your tickets if you can attend; I have a feeling once the review comes out tickets may begin disappearing quickly…

I will end with a quote of his to which I keep returning:

Thus about my work, thus about my person.
— Vincent van Gogh, August 18, 1885

I couldn’t agree more.

Tags: acting, art, beauty, change, dance, death, ensemble, gratitude, heart, life, love, performance, production, start, theater, value

Details

After showing my brother some of the more ridiculous set and prop pieces for this show, and thought – PERFECT! I will blog about this. Cause otherwise, all I’d really have to say is HOLY CRAP MY PLAY OPENS IN 15 DAYS and wow, I’m busy, and wow, I have a full length script to memorize in one week and what was I thinking writing SO MUCH and what was I thinking having so many movement/dance pieces in this show? Where did they all come from (note: I totally wrote them into the script) and thank god I have a choreographer on the job. Oh, and we have our last fundraiser, a karaoke soirée tonight.

And what I meant by ridiculous set and prop pieces is that they exist in their current state because of my hardened will to make this show as immersed with the reality of Vincent as possible. A few things the audience won’t even notice, a few things they simply couldn’t know.

I just took this photo a half hour ago in the apartment/performance space. Will this chair look familiar to any of the audience members? Maybe, but within my play, it’s never directly referred to as any chair in particular.

Van Gogh’s Chair, 1888.

thanks to vangoghletters.org

Of course, it’s Vincent’s chair (almost). Of course I spent a bunch of time searching on ebay to find it (as did my props mistress). But you know, whatevs.

See that canvas stretcher hanging in mid-air? Looks about right in size as far as Vincent’s paintings go, right? Well, it’s actually a very precise size…

“Yes, during the autumn I’d very much like to do a dozen or so square no. 30 canvases, and that may very well be achieved, as far as I can see.”  September 25, 1888

“And so I have 7 square no. 30 canvases on the go. […] More than once I’ve done a no. 30 canvas in a day, but then it was the case that from morning till sunset I didn’t move from the sitting except to eat a bite.” October 2, 1888

“I’m behind myself as far as croquis go, being so totally absorbed these recent superb days with square no. 30 canvases, which wear me out considerably and I intend to use to decorate the house.” October 3, 1888

Basically, this “no. 30” canvas size was what he got very into using for awhile (and interestingly enough, it was during the part of his life that I would totally set the time machine at, if I had one: early autumn of 1888, before Gauguin got there). So yeah. I made sure the canvas stretcher was his favorite size.

Also, how amazing does that painted wall look behind it?

And that couch looks awfully comfy, doesn’t it? You’ll probably wanna sit there sometime soon, so I’d recommend buying tickets (yes, click on those purple words) cause there’s only room for 20 people in the audience at each show. :)

Alright, I’ll do my best to update over the next two weeks, but life might be too crazy, so bear with me? Don’t abandon me? Because if you’re reading this, I love you. At least a little bit. Thank you for reading.

Tags: busy, chair, dance, details, karaoke, opening, paint, production, prop, script, set, stretchers, walls